Speaking My Mind: Authenticity and the Inner Dialogue

Recently some friends and I were discussing the great difficulty of translating Orson Scott Card's science fiction novel Ender's Game into a film. After years of negotiations and editing it seems Card still isn't close to a satisfactory screenplay. It is no wonder, however, for a book that relies on extensive internal monologues to illustrate the deep internal conflict between dark and light so common to the soul's deepest struggles.  Take the following excerpt as an example:

"When Ender saw Bonzo’s stance, his heart sank. Bonzo had also taken classes. And probably more recently than Ender. His reach was better, he was stronger, and he was full of hate. He would not be gentle. He will go for my head, thought Ender. He will try above all to damage my brain. And if this fight is long, he’s bound to win. His strength can control me. If I’m to walk away from here, I have to win quickly, and permanently. He could still feel the sickening way that Stilson’s bones had given way. But this time it will be my body that breaks, unless I can break him first.” (p.147)

All a movie watcher would see next is Ender's first moves in his fight against the bully Bonzo--like our own lives we cannot see Ender's mind and spirit wrestle within.

When I pause long enough from the sprint of a hurried life to examine my own internal monologue I see the same tangle of darkness and light. I perceive there a struggle for an authentic action that can express--somehow--the truth of the internal monologue for those who cannot see its script. Could relationships, in their simplest form, be understood as an explosion of two inner monologues translating into a word, a touch, or a gesture?

My journey towards authentic thought and action suggests that when I choose to acknowledge God's divine presence in the midst of my inner monologue, a dialogue ensues. The Catholic writer Henri Nouwen suggests, "Prayer can only become unceasing prayer when all our thoughts -- beautiful or ugly, high or low, proud or shameful, sorrowful or joyful -- can be thought in the presence of God. ... Thus, converting our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer moves us from a self-centred monologue to a God-centred dialogue." (Clowning in Rome)

Though authentic, the darkness of my fear and anger still injures my soul and my relationships. In my life, I experience a dialogue with God that can transform this darkness into authentic light.

Joanna Stanberry is a freelance writer on organizational leadership, a consultant to the social sector, and a Masters student at Eastern University. She enjoys really great cheese and lives with her husband and daughter in New York City.